Bestof World's Funniest Quotes

Best Selection Of The Funniest Quotes Ever

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below are the first 30 funny quotes out of 495 in total :

1.

Charlotte: So how are you?Carrie: I'm good. How are you?Charlotte: Great.Carrie: I told Aidan about the affair and he broke up with me.Charlotte: Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.Carrie: You win. So. Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?

- Sex and the City

2.

Actually, I...this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about...when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.

- George W. Bush

3.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

- Oscar Wilde

4.

If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers

- Dan Castellaneta

5.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

- Woody Allen

6.

Eggs have no business dancing with stones

- Italian Proverb

7.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

- Oscar Wilde

8.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

- Fran Lebowitz

9.

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

10.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

- Woody Allen

11.

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission

- Fred Allen

12.

If it wasn't for dogs, some people would never go for a walk.

- Anonymous

13.

I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire 'em.

- Jack L. Warner

14.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

- Benny Hill

15.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

- Paula Poundstone

16.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

- Erma Bombeck

17.

Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

- Ani Difranco

18.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

- Anonymous

19.

Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...

- Dan Castellaneta

20.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

- Miss Piggy

21.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

- Mark Twain

22.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

- Winston Churchill

23.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

- Stephen Wright

24.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

- Anonymous

25.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

- Arthur C. Clarke

26.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeneres

27.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

- Mae West

28.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

- Erma Bombeck

29.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger

- Mark Twain

30.

One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.

- Nancy Witcher Astor, Viscountess