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Best Selection Of The Funniest Quotes Ever
Best of Hand Picked Funny Quotes at your Fingertips !
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below are the first 30 funny quotes out of 495 in total :
1.
Charlotte: So how are you?Carrie: I'm good. How are you?Charlotte: Great.Carrie: I told Aidan about the affair and he broke up with me.Charlotte: Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.Carrie: You win. So. Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?
- Sex and the City
2.
Actually, I...this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about...when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.
- George W. Bush
3.
Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
- Oscar Wilde
4.
If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers
- Dan Castellaneta
5.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
6.
Eggs have no business dancing with stones
- Italian Proverb
7.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
8.
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
- Fran Lebowitz
9.
I don't exaggerate - I just remember big
- Chi Chi Rodriguez
10.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
- Woody Allen
11.
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission
- Fred Allen
12.
If it wasn't for dogs, some people would never go for a walk.
- Anonymous
13.
I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire 'em.
- Jack L. Warner
14.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
- Benny Hill
15.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
- Paula Poundstone
16.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck
17.
Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
- Ani Difranco
18.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Anonymous
19.
Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...
- Dan Castellaneta
20.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
- Miss Piggy
21.
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself
- Mark Twain
22.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill
23.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
- Stephen Wright
24.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back
- Anonymous
25.
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
- Arthur C. Clarke
26.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres
27.
I speak two languages, Body and English.
- Mae West
28.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck
29.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger
- Mark Twain
30.
One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.
- Nancy Witcher Astor, Viscountess
Last updated on 2016年02月01日
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Bestof World's Funniest Quotes
1.0 by Informative Fortunes ltd.
2016年02月01日